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Do soulmates exist?

Do soulmates exist?

Remember Monica Geller and Chandler Bing from the famous sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S? When Chandler said that Monica had a better match out there… her soulmate, Monica said, “I don’t believe in soulmates, and I don’t think that you and I are destined to end up together. What I do believe is that we fell in love and that we work hard for our relationship”. This line has stuck by me for several years now. The first few times when I saw this sitcom, I realised how your partner isn’t always “supposed” to be your soulmate. Your soulmate could be anyone — your best friend, your mother, your sibling, or your pet. Like Carrie Bradshaw and her girls in the sitcom, Sex and the City

So, who is a soulmate? Historically associated with just one person in the world, a soulmate is someone with whom you form a spiritual bond. Apparently, all of us have a soulmate out there somewhere. And if you blow it with them, then that’s it. The infamous character Chuck Bass once said on Gossip Girl, “If two people are meant to be together, they will eventually find their way back”. 

As per energy studies, it is shown that soulmates do exist. According to science, there is no such thing as a soulmate because the possibility of finding a soulmate is slim to none. It’s basic math. On average, we lock eyes with 20-30 strangers in a week. Now, how can we assume that our soulmates already exist in our lives? Maybe your soulmate is in London working in an art gallery while you are in India working as a chef. To be fair, the odds of finding a soulmate is extremely low. When we look at this from a psychological perspective, I feel we’re siding with both parties – energy and science. Yes, for everyone out there, soulmates do exist, but it is not like you’re at an airport and you buy a ticket to Soulmate Island to find your match. That’s not how it works. 

Finding a soulmate, building a connection, making it work, all require constant and consistent effort. Once you go through all this and connect with someone on different levels, you may call that person your soulmate. From a broader perspective, being a soulmate is a lot of work and there are many expectations attached to it. The entire connotation of a soulmate is someone who matches your temperament and is just “perfect” for you. But unfortunately, life is not a bed of roses… it is the exact opposite. The expectations of having or finding a soulmate can often lead to utter disappointment. Instead of finding the one who could be your soulmate, it is suggested that you create “the one” who is with you in good times and bad. The person who helps you deal with your issues, creates a family, and loves you through thick and thin. 

Now that you know who a ‘soulmate’ is from different perspectives, especially, from the pop culture reference, let’s dig deeper to understand why does one even need a soulmate to exist? 

The concept behind finding a soulmate is very romantic. To some extent, movies, TV shows, and songs are to be blamed for all the heartbreaks as they exaggerate love and relationships. They project that you’re not enough by yourself and to become a whole, you need to have someone to complete you. That someone is your soulmate. If you’re someone who is deeply impacted by the idea of having a soulmate, you are likely to be stuck during your single years. Feeling the need to have someone in your life who can complete the missing parts of the puzzle is a very unhealthy way of looking at relationships, especially romantic relationships. 

I believe that the concept of finding a soulmate is flawed. We have been brought up to believe that a soulmate is someone we are romantically involved with but in reality, a soulmate can be any person who shares the same temperament and interests. They understand you like no one else, they stand by you when the going gets tough, and they just know what you need. Often, I hear people saying that they’re “waiting for their soulmate”. Spending all your energy on what could happen or who you might meet in the future means you’re simply ignoring the incredible things that exist around you in the present. 

Soulmates don’t necessarily have to be romantically involved. In Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith and Cristina were each other’s soulmates. They used the word “my person” in the sitcom which clearly shows that they felt the kind of connection with each other that they have never felt with anyone else. Considering the fact that both were dating or in a romantic relationship at that time, it did not take the “soulmate” factor away from them. They found the soulmate connection through friendship, which is completely okay! 

If you’re someone who is keen on finding a soulmate or growing a relationship where your partner/friend becomes your soulmate, here is what you can do: 

Focus on things that are in your control 
Instead of worrying whether your soulmate exists, are they a part of your life now, have you missed your chance with them or not, focus on things that are in your control. Learn from your mistakes in past relationships, understand your flaws, and actively work on them. 

Create more space for self-awareness 
It is highly important to know yourself better each day. Through this experience, where you learn more about yourself, you’ll be in a better situation to judge who is the ideal partner for you, what are your likes and dislikes, your temperament etc. 

Learn to live with yourself 
Whoever says that you “need someone” to be happy, or you need to have a partner or a companion, to lead a healthy and long life, don’t listen to them. It is important to be able to learn to like yourself first, learn to live with yourself, and learn to love your own company and only then, would you be able to live, like, and love someone else. 

Work through challenges
If you feel you have found your soulmate or someone who matches the soulmate checklist, work on it. Work on that relationship every single day. No relationship is a smooth ride. Everyone faces challenges in different aspects of their life and it is important to address them. Have mature conversations and discussions around the matter and finally resolve it. Shoving things under the carpet is a temporary measure and can only make things worse. Always work on your challenges and put in conscious effort to make your relationship work, that is what soulmates do for each other. 

Honestly, “falling for someone” and “falling in love” is in no one’s control. So, rather than trying to actively find someone to fall in love with, you should instead cultivate your already existing relationships. It will happen to you, whether you “try” or not, trust me. My best relationships have been with people who I’ve been friends with first (note: to each his/her own. This does not apply to all and cannot be generalised.) These are people who were right there and then one day, I happened to notice them. 

Lastly, believing in soulmates is a completely personal choice. This is just my stance on soulmates and whether they exist or not. But soulmate or no soulmate, every relationship requires work. It takes clear communication, efforts, mutual trust, respect, care, acceptance, and constant forgiveness. In the end, it doesn’t matter if soulmates are real or not as long as you are realistic about love and what it takes to be with someone. The truth is that your beliefs create the world for you. So, if you believe that soulmates are real, it is going to affect how you go out looking for love, friendship, and companionship. 

Astha Anand

Astha Anand

Astha is a therapist and the founder of theperspectiveco. Best described as a learner learning to unlearn and relearn. She is on a mission to normalise therapy and create awareness.