Dating in the age of ghosting

Have you grown up watching those dreamy romantic movies where ‘Prince Charming’ would enter the damsel’s life and sweep her off her feet? Have you also been waiting for your perfect partner to find you on a mundane day, hoping the meet-cute turns into a fairytale love story? However, all that you are being able to do is look for someone, barely half-decent, online? Well, that’s the sad truth for so many hopeless romantics around the globe! Especially when concepts like ghosting are involved. Continue to read to understand better!

Dating in today’s world is mostly about swiping right and left on a number of profiles, without being directly consumed or emotionally involved in the entire process. With the new generation of millennials and Gen Z, appearances hold more value than real and meaningful conversations.

Gone are the days when one would wait for their special someone to call on the landline. Today’s digital age is spoiling and ruining the overall experience of dating, meeting new people, and eventually falling in love. Who is to blame? The dating apps?

Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grindr, etc. are the new forthcoming applications that have given young adults a platform to explore, choose, and reject people. Before these online dating platforms became popular, people would meet organically, in bars, at house parties, sometimes even at work, or just get introduced by friends or family. It was natural for people to know each other first, understand each other’s traits, and then develop a romantic relationship. The pandemic has changed the picture across the globe and has completely disrupted people’s social and love lives in a profound yet disappointing way.

In my therapy sessions, I have heard some amazing stories about clients who expressed how they met the love of their lives on a dating platform. That excites me and worries me a little at the same time. Overall, it fills me with hope that these platforms are not all a waste. Maybe they are eventually helping young adults find their choice — find the true love they have been seeking.

However, some cases have come to the fore where a new phenomenon has been doing rounds —ghosting. The Oxford Dictionary defines ghosting as ending a personal, moderately long-term intimate and romantic relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing all communication.

Ghosting is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen to anyone. Ghosting as a concept is extremely hurtful to the person on the receiving end of things. It involves no explanations and no closure on why things had to end. The person is left thinking, analysing, and questioning himself/herself over what went wrong for this to have taken place.

The reason why a person would ghost is still unknown and complex. In the context of online dating, ghosting can occur anytime — there is no set date, time or occasion for someone to ghost another. It could happen after a few conversations, after the first official date, or when it’s least expected — when one is knee-deep in with a person, has gone on a couple of dates, and has started to trust them deeply. Just then, bam! They ghost! While this behaviour may appear socially acceptable, dating becomes harder and people become prone to having commitment issues.

As a therapist, I have been in sessions with many clients who have either faced ghosting or ghosted people for several valid reasons. It is not only important to understand the reasons, but it is also vital to reflect on why you are being ghosted. It’s not necessary to always see yourself as a victim in the relationship, someone who is not worthy of love or does not deserve love. It may or may not be your fault, so it is integral to understand the reasons, deal with it, and move on peacefully to a new experience.

Here are five underlying causes for ghosting a relationship:

Lack of communication

There are times when there is a lack of communication between two adults in a romantic relationship. Poor communication can drive a wedge and destroy the entire relationship. Why? Because it will be based on mere assumptions, questions, and absence of trust. It is difficult for some people to be vulnerable in front of their partners or have tough conversations. They may even fall out of love during this whole process of avoiding the conversation.

Leaving seems easier than talking about things and moving towards a positive resolution. This is where abandonment issues also arise. Some people ghost because they are internally scared that the other will ghost them first. The worst part is they won’t have enough courage to speak about it since it’s a vulnerable discussion to have. So, to avoid the entire charade of abandonment and questioning one’s self-worth, they end up ghosting first.

Lack of boundaries

Being a therapist, I can go on and on about boundaries. Setting and maintaining them in all sorts of relationships — new or old. People tend to fear forming boundaries. They feel this might drive away this new person for whom they are catching feelings. Forming boundaries could lead to distance or the other person feeling offended.

People often ghost due to a lack of boundaries. This is because they struggle to communicate their feelings or set limits in relationships. Instead of expressing discomfort, disinterest, or the need for space, they choose avoidance as an easier option. This behaviour often stems from fear of confrontation, people-pleasing tendencies, or inability to manage emotional conflicts. By not setting clear boundaries, they unintentionally resort to ghosting as a way to escape the situation. So, learning how, when, and why to set boundaries in relationships can be an extremely helpful intervention.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem and self-worth are the root cause of many problems. These are directly related to ghosting — the person who is ghosting struggles with feeling inadequate. If one isn’t confident in their own skin or constantly has self-doubt, the chances of them ghosting their partner are really high.

You’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”? Sometimes people really mean it. Many people believe that they are doing their partner a favour by ghosting them before things turn too ugly or their self-esteem and self-worth issues start to surface. Instead of working on the problem and themselves, and discussing it with their partner, they would rather ghost. It’s easier after all!

Narcissism

This is the exact opposite of having self-esteem issues. People who are covertly narcissistic and think too highly of themselves tend to reject people and ghost them. These people lack basic emotional empathy and naturally, it doesn’t bother them to ghost or hurt someone. People who show a high sense of confidence, charm and extroverted traits in an inauthentic way are susceptible to ghosting you.

Emotional manipulation

People who display dominating and controlling tendencies in a relationship often end up ghosting the other person. Here, all they want is an upper hand in making decisions in the relationship — one such instance being ghosting their partner out of the blue. The expectation here isn’t to end the relationship, it is deeper and uglier. They want their partner to chase them and beg them to come back and continue the relationship.

If the partner who has ghosted reaches out again, it confuses the person being ghosted even further. They can’t decide if this is the end or if there is light at the end of the tunnel. This kind of power dynamic can turn out to be extremely toxic and unhealthy in a relationship and cause severe abandonment issues.

Now that you are aware of why people ghost, here are some self-care tips:

If you have faced ghosting in multiple relationships, self-care is a prominent part of your recovery from ghosting. Life can seem unfair and harsh during those times, but being kind to yourself is paramount. There is no need to beat yourself over what happened; rather, work towards self-improvement.

Journalling your thoughts, taking part in different outdoor activities, sleeping and eating well are all very simple but effective measures. One habit that you should avoid completely is snooping online and looking at what your partner is doing. There will also be times when you feel like someone has wronged you and it is important to seek revenge and show them their place.

But, please stop and take a deep breath, and know that this too shall pass. The end of a relationship is certainly not the end of your life. These things and thoughts would not help you in the long term and impact your overall growth.

On the other hand, if you tend to ghost new partners when dating, it’s essential to consciously reflect on yourself and the reasons behind this behaviour. Ghosting can be tormenting and hurtful for the person experiencing it. Frequently ghosting multiple new partners indicates a clear pattern and suggests something deeper needs attention. This calls for self-assessment and reflection to understand the reasons. Work towards forming healthier perspectives on relationships, connections, and the impact of hurting others.

If you are finding it hard to overcome the trauma of being ghosted, therapy can be an effective solution. Also, if you are finding it hard to reflect and understand why you end up ghosting others, therapy can lead to a lot of answers. It can be an eye-opening process that highlights insights about life, love, and dating in the new digital age.

Before I wind up, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that being in the talking stage, right before taking the next step to date, can be a tricky affair. As you get to know a new person and let them into your sweet little world, a lot of thoughts and ideas will clash or match.

At such times, it becomes essential to practice empathy and step into the other person’s shoes to understand where they are coming from. With patience, understanding, and an open mind, you can easily navigate the modern dating world.

Additionally, while you’re at it, remember that you’ll meet so many people on the way that you won’t hit off with and ghosting them can never be an answer. If you really feel you’re not clicking with someone, be graceful enough to let them know. If you have the right tacts, you can also politely give them feedback, if you feel it’s needed.

Similarly, if you get ghosted, don’t take it to your heart. Learn, if there’s a lesson and move on. You know, as they say, “there are plenty of fish in the sea”. You never know what’s waiting for you in the times to come. So, as swiping left, right, and centre becomes the new norm in dating, it’s time to swipe clean your inner self and build the right foundations for a healthier and long-lasting relationship.