How to be direct without being mean

Our friends and families brighten up our days and make our world a better place, right? But don’t they also really get on our nerves sometimes? Every individual comes with their unique patterns and characteristics. While we treasure some of these traits, we might hate others to the core. That is exactly why sometimes, we get sick of our parents for doing certain things, sometimes get irritated with our partners for their behaviour, and even get fed up with our children over their tantrums. When we love someone with all our heart but cannot stand a particular thing about them, navigating the relationship can get slightly difficult. This is where you need to learn how to be direct in your communications, without being mean.

Though navigating these differences is indeed a tedious process, it is tougher to carry out this process peacefully and kindly. We are all impatient beings who turn into ticking time bombs during conversations. In several conversations, we end up being extremely mean — using derogatory words, demeaning language, and rude gestures. All this while being oblivious of how it impacts our relationship in the long run.

It makes me reflect on the importance of being direct about our expectations and needs in a relationship without being mean. There is a thin line between being aggressive and being assertive, and it makes all the difference in a relationship. It can get challenging and tricky to differentiate between being aggressive and assertive, but there are ways to find resolutions and create healthy boundaries during disagreements.

Here are a few things you can analyse to establish if you are being assertive or aggressive:

Behaviour
When it comes to behaviour, you need to understand that actions speak louder than words. This includes your facial expressions, body language, how you look, your stare, and the gestures you make. These can determine quite a lot when it comes to being aggressive versus being assertive. The idea is to include calm and composure in your words and overall body language.

Tone
What kind of language are you communicating your feelings across with? Are you deliberately saying hurtful things or genuinely conveying your message?

Volume
With tone comes volume. When you express your feelings and emotions, they come with a certain intensity. Are you yelling or raising your voice while doing it or are you being stern, holding your boundaries, and communicating your message politely yet directly?

Intentions
Now that we have spoken about volume, tone, and behaviour, it is crucial to understand the real intentions. The intention behind how you talk to someone — are you being genuine, or are you trying to intimidate the person? Are you purposely trying to violate the boundary they have set with you? These questions are essential to answer to understand the true intention.

Profanity
At last, coming to profanity. Are you cursing or using ill words with the person you are talking to? What does this show, honestly? I do not mean that you are not supposed to get aggressive or that it is deadly wrong. It is normal to be aggressive at some point in your life. After all, it’s just human nature. You are supposed to and are bound to experience all types of emotions — even aggression. The main goal here is to notice when you are being mean or aggressive, try to correct yourself and apologise for your behaviour if it hurts the other person. It is also possible that sometimes you do not know how to be direct and communicate efficiently with the person without sounding or being mean.

Let us understand how to be direct without being rude:

Validation
I cannot emphasise enough that validation is extremely important. Validating the other person does not have to mean that you are on the same page as them and agree with them. It simply means that you hear and understand their point but respectfully disagree. Validating someone can also help them come forward and understand your point in detail without getting defensive.

Feelings
If you want to learn how to be direct, it is essential for you to state your feelings, but doing that can also get tricky. It is helpful to start with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. Pointing fingers is usually always easy, but make sure that you state your point in a manner that does not make the other person feel bad or unheard.

Compromise
The best way to communicate is to reach a middle point. It is always better to meet in the middle instead of going separate ways. I have seen countless clients in therapy who tell me that just because of miscommunication or improper ways of communication, they have lost some of the most important relationships in their lives. Compromise can be hard but also brings comfort, familiarity, and a sense of togetherness despite the differences. If you and the other person can reach a compromise, it is less likely for both of you to have the same issue again.

Here are some tips that can help you communicate effortlessly and effectively without coming across as mean:

Think before you speak
Words are like arrows shot from a bow; they can’t be taken back. Hence, always choose your words wisely. If you wish to be assertive with the other person, think about the words you will use and how the other person will interpret them. Remain calm and do not get into conversations hastily. Writing down your thoughts and reading them back to yourself always helps. If that does not work for you, speak to someone close to you and check with them if what you want to say comes off as being impolite.

Be a good listener
Being a good listener is a good quality and helps us be more assertive and less defensive. Always remember that communication is a two-way street — speaking and listening. Listening and truly understanding what the other person is saying shows respect, even if you disagree with their thoughts. When you listen and cater to the other person, they also tend to value your opinion.

Don’t take things personally
Sometimes a person can deliberately touch your sore spots or say something personal, as a result of which you can lose control. It is crucial to not let what the other person says affect you negatively. Learning to brush off the comments made by others who do not matter is another quality everyone needs to imbibe.

Being humble
This quality comes above everything else. It can help you stay calm in an intense situation. It can help you combat resistance to assertiveness. Being humble keeps you centred and focused in an adverse situation.

Confidence is key
If you understand the difference between being assertive and being aggressive and wish to take charge by being assertive — people will enjoy being led by you. Those who lack confidence can be considered timid, and people can sense this lack through their behaviour and gestures.

Ultimately, putting a point across, defining boundaries, and being heard are all that one needs for a peaceful, secure life. If you only learn the art of doing the same with a little more politeness and assertiveness, you will always be heard and respected. Just keep these little pointers around how to be direct without being mean in mind and go make your relationships work better.